Starting Over

Ok, so my biggest problem with having a blog before was I never knew what to talk about. Well that's not exactly true i've always had plenty to talk about, but never knew how to narrow it down. I've always been interested in a wide variety of things and thus want to talk about things that are all over the map, maybe even verging on incoherent or hard to follow at the least.

So thus the conumndrum of how do I focus all of that bottled up energy and creativity in a way to attract others to read my musings. So this is what I came up with. I'm going to blog about my response to current events in the world and hopefully provide some insight on them as well. I know, isn't this what all bloggers do? Yeah I guess, but hopefully you'll like what I have to say.

I'm leaving the old stuff, feel free to enjoy it if you wish, but the blog is starting over today, new theme new idea. Lets begin...

Been a long time since I've blogged, but feel like writing, feel like typing now, so here it is. Almost two years since I've last posted to here.

God knows I feel unworthy sometimes, unworthy of my own life even...

Have a little faith in me...an echo that cries out with almost everything I do, it cries out to my friends, my family, to all those around me.

Lift me up, please! And yet I must in turn lift myself.

I have the touch and yet I have nothing.

We have it all, we have what it takes. I have what it takes and yet I stand in my own way. Don't we all?

I mean that's reality right? Sure life has its struggles, its hardships that at times seem unbearable, but at the heart of it, are we not our own obstacles? We are certainly our worst obstacles.

Two sides....I have faith I can overcome myself and yet...I have come to terms that I am who I am and that inevitability that things will never change.

Tension without ease...I need contact, but yet it is in solitude that we find greatness, that we find ourselves... isn't that what Rilke says? I agree.

Love, Marriage, love is difficult if you choose for it to be and in that is the only way for your love to truly be grand, if you choose the difficult route, who wants fluff?

Do you ever miss the feeling of feeling lonely?

Darkness

I thoroughly enjoy darkness and the night.

I love it when I can let the darkness wash over me and envelop me as if I'm walking into a sauna, barely able to breathe yet comforted by the warmth. It is simple in it's intricicies, specifically vague and I enjoy that. All you know in darkness is what you can feel. Peope are often afraid of the darkness, but not for the darkness itself, but rather of what it brngs, the even more terrifying fear of the unknown. In darkness all you know is what you can feel and all you can feel is what is directly in front of you. When moving about in darkness you can't be concerned with what is behind you or what is 50 feet ahead, but only with the task at hand. A darkened room can be filled with a thousand statues or just one you don't know for sure until you explore it.

Some people think of darkness as evil, I disagree. God created the night, created darkness and I enjoy embracing it. Just because there is the abcense of light, does not mean there is the presence of evil. I believe the devil has no need for the unknown and that is what you get with darkness. Rather, I believe the devil thrives in the certanties of life. The times when everyone says now that wasn't the devil or that no one even thinks to blame an occurance on something supernaturally sinister, those are the times the devil is there. The devil delights in making us believe he is not present for then we do not fear him, we do not run if we believe he is not there.

Then there is the other extreme, the other certaintity, the atrocities that occur that everyone has no doubt that the devil had a role in; the devil is there too. When you're certain he's not and when you're certain that he is, he is there. The devil has no time for vague indiscrestions, for uncertainties, it is of no use to him for peopel to wonder, "well was the devil here or wasn't he?". That's merely human. Human thought, human emotion, humans being.

My Blog

So I've done the whole online diary thing before, worked it basically as a blog. But then people that I knew didn't know about it, it was only the online community at large, I was anonymous and felt free to write as I chose. Don't know what it is about this, maybe it's because people I know read this one this time around, but I feel a bit self concious when I attempt to start new blogs, always over thinking what to put down.

So I've decided this blog will be an insight into another side of me that I have troubles exspressing most of the time, it will not be some grand revelation and nor will each blog be a story with a clear cut beginning middle and end. I will ramble, I will stumble along it will be a look at my thought process, steam of conciousness if you will. So feel free to delve into my thoughts into my mind. Hopefully people will at least gain something from having read it, whatever that may be.

The Sistine Chapel of Blogs

Is blogging an art?

Maybe...

At the very least I consider it to be a great form on individuals expression.

In what other age has anyone ever had the opportunity to express themselves on the level that we have the freedom to today?

What's going on in my life?

Picked up wedding rings the other day after waiting 8 weeks to pick them up because we special ordered them. Apparently mine is made of adamantium or something. I was told I can beat the crap out of it and it won't scratch or dent or anything. Probably a good thing so I don't tear it up in two days like I would if it was gold.

Been working a lot and preparing for the wedding, other than that not a lot going on in my life.

I've been doing a lot of thought on priorities and life in general recently mainly on relationships.

If there's one thing I want to get right in life it's my relationships with those around me and with those I come into contact. I know I'm not perfect and I know sometimes I'll let people down, but ultimately I want to get it right.

I work hard at my job and the things I dedicate myself to, I think I do those things fairly well.

But my relationships with God, family and friends, I don't want to do those simply well, I want to do them with greatness. I wish to show love, compassion, and understanding with all people I come into contact with. I've been told by some that I can be a bit intimidating when I am focused on a task or when dealing with me in a buisiness way at least until they get to know me better. But I still hope that I show love even in those times.

So what do you think.....is blogging an art?

I Look At You

I look At You

Sometimes I can't put up
With bein' so put down
And all my faith can manage
Is the shadow of a frown
And when my soul's about to break
I know there's only one escape

I look at you, when the world is full of lies
I look at you, and the truth is in your eyes
And when I lay down at night
And when I want to see a dream come true
I look at you and I've got it all
You touch my hand and the burdens start to fall
You ease my troubled mind
Oh, I love you more each time
I look at you

You know somedays I'm tempted
To runaway and hide
'Cause I can't miss the bad luck
Faillin' from the sky
I'm under some dark cloud
And there's only one way out

I look at you, when the world is full of lies
I look at you, and the truth is in your eyes
And when I lay down at night
And when I want to see a dream come true
I look at you and I've got it all
You touch my hand and the burdens start to fall
You ease my troubled mind
Oh, I love you more each time
I look at you

Harder Cards

I'm going to meander about for a bit...Please join me on this walk.

Let me settle in by telling you I'm a follower of Christ I have a firm faith in God, and I believe that Jesus Christ is my Lord and savior. That said, I am truly blessed for that fact...

The other day was bitter sweet.....

Didn't go quite as I planned, but God do some amazing things. Though it didn't go as I planned, God was working in the things that did happen. I'm not going to go into specifics for a few reasons, but it was a good day. I got to hang out with some pretty amazing people, some whom have touched my life deeply. And some pretty great things got accomplished in helping an organization I'm involved with that will help further it along.

That said, I didn't get an opportunity to serve God that I was hoping to the other day. It was a door shut, but a sign that God wants me to keep climbing that mountain because He has greater things in store for me at the top. God's just sharpening my sword. With each rub of adversity I just get more refined, sharper better off for the experience and more prepared for things to come.

God's just telling me... 'Hey you want that don't yah? Too bad. I've got something better for you over here, all you have to do is follow'.

Lead on Lord....Lead on.

Just that simple...I have an undying passion for everything that I believe in. If I could use just one word to describe myself it would be "Passion". No one is going to make me waiver in what I believe, the only thing anyone can do is make my faith stronger. It's not that I don't ever question what I believe in (I need to if only to get closer to the truth) or that I don't have hard times, I've had harder times than a lot of people I know.

If it weren't for the fact that I am born anew everyday and believe that Jesus has cleansed my soul and washed my sins; I swear my soul would look like the body of an old rugged soldier ravaged with scars from battles past. But you know what there's many more people with Harder Cards than mine in life to play.

Harder Cards
Written By Craig Weisman and Michael Henderson

Well the hammer fell down on a forty-four primer
Now there's one less problem in South Carolina tonight
Wrong or right

She just looked at me as she finished her tale
And her blank expression went another shade pale of grey
There was nothin' to say
In the shadows of her face, I saw the scars
That you get when you live where love is hard
And she said

Don't you sit and judge me
From some high and mighty seat
Don't you shrug off
Until you've walked a mile in my bare feet
'Cause there are people that you pass by every day
With harder cards than yours in life to play

Well I put the cuffs on her
And I put her in the car
And I walked in and he was on the floor
Stone dead
Shot in the head

There were whiskey bottles and dope by his chair
And a starving baby with nothin' to wear
But tears
You know, the picture was clear

He had finally pushed her farther than the line
And the badge i wore had lost all of it's shine

Don't you sit and judge me
From some high and mighty seat
Don't you shrug off
Until you've walked a mile in my bare feet
'Cause there are people that you pass by every day
With harder cards than yours in life to play

Well I stood there thinkin' how justice was blind
But I didn't see any and I could see just fine
And I made up my mind

So I took the cuffs off her
And I took her back in
I wiped off the gun
And wrapped it in his right hand
Where it should've been

And the morning paper told in black and white
Just another senseless case of suicide
Oh, just a suicide

Oh but don't you sit and judge me
From some high and mighty seat
Don't you shrug off
Until you've walked a mile on my beat
'Cause there are people that you pass by every day
With harder cards than yours in life to play

Yeah the hammer fell down on a forty-four primer
Now there's one less problem in South Carolina tonight


....
Pretty powerful words.


There are people out there way worse off than myself. I am truly blessed for all that I have. And I will continue to serve God and work to fight for Him.

Then again, maybe everything I just said was nothing but self indulgent tripe mixed with a little truth...either way it was therapeutic to just type a little stream of consciousness for awhile.
Till Next time...